10 March 2007
I cried again and again.
I know from the start we are not suitable..
All along..I was holding on to it, despite all the naggings i got from my frens and nieces..
All of them were saying, "he treat u liddat you still want?"
My nieces said "He dun even have the basic quality of a bf!"
My kor said,"u guys got serious communication prob.."
I thought I compromised and suit his style..things will be fine..
Many time I keep saying, "mayb i think too much la..stupid brain..dun anyhw tink.." or "no la..he luv me la..if not he wun blah blah blah.."
Since vday..I keep feeling tired and wanting to give up but I din..coz I she bu de and still got faith in him and the r/s..
What made me hold on?
One word from him..
He pulled me up and gimme chance at that pt of time when my confidence level is at the lowest..
And he signed the certificate that he loves me..
But guess I was wrong..
We cant communicate..
And we dun have much of those happy time that couple have..
No pillow fight, Stuffing food into each other mouths and laugh or playing games..
I can only remember the happy time when we go swimming..
I tried my best to make the relationship fun but things always turn out diff..
I dunno but I feel that there is a barrier between me n him..
I want to get closer to him in the heart but I cant..in fact, I went further..
I tried to b a gd gf but...sigh..
It made me feel so stupid..
I kept crying, thinking,
"why i did so much for him?I juz want to love someone truthfully & shower him w love..All I xpecting is love, respect, appreciate and he dote me can le..Dun ask for much..Even he treat me bad but I know he luv me can le..heng nan meh?"
Last time I dunno how to love I hurt Jasonz..Now I learnt how to love le yet got hurt..why always me???What u all expecting me to do?Is there some problem in me? Am I dat bad that I deserve such thing..
I am really tired..sometime I hope I can juz laid in my room and rot..I am so tired that I dun wan to feel anything..I hate myself for being so stupid..I hate myself for not waking up..I hate everything about me..
The worst thing is that I lost myself..
I dunno who am I already..
I used to be really horrible but I changed so much and adapt so much to his style till I dunno who I am le..
I cried for myself..i feel sorry for myself..
But of coz I still will miss him and yearn for him..but I know there is no hope le..
If can..I hope to turn back time and try again..
Now I can only hug the piglet he gave me and sleep..
I tried getting comforting hug from my frens but it felt so different..
Not the same as the hugs he gave me..
At this pt of time, I still hope he will say, "sorry i was impulsive that time..i dun mean it.." and back together againz and go kuching eat the laksa, go bkk for shopping..
Ya la..Wake up partially nia.
Dun scold me le.