Welcome to My Crap

21 April 2007

LOVE Phobia

Think I am contracted with "LOVE PHOBIA"...

I very scared & get sensitive when people say or tell me they like me now..
Even it is juz for laugh nia..

I will scare lo..
And even for laugh, I will jz say, "Eh..dun like me lahz..I bad gurl one.."
I dunno I bad or not lahz..but i noe i am not perfect lahz..

If not..I will get angry.

I dunno why I so scared..
I very scared to be hurt.
I very scared his placing in my heart will be replaced.

And if the next guy is nice to me..
I very scared too.
I very scared I will treat him bad..

That why when one fren asked me "Why u dun like people treat u good.." and I felt lost and can only answered, "Coz I like ppl to treat me bad.."

That is another thing that made me scared..
No matter how hard I tried to express myself..
My other half will think otherwise.
Tired of expressing.

Is like the other half will always think I am like this n like that..
When I am not.
I trust him.
But have the other half trust me b4?
Trust me that I will never do such thing?

I dunno how to deal with my own love stuff..

In general, I am afraid to go into relationship right now..

Wo zhen de heng pan..

Yesterday at KTV with Sherbert..

Sherbert sang this.
I read the lyrics and my eyes got watery.
But I din cry.

Inside i am thinking, "i hate u..really really hate u..really really hate u to the core"
Ni zhen de hao cang reng..
Ke yi de hua..wo ning yuan wo cong lai mei you yu guo ni..
Ke yi de hua wo xiang da sheng shuo, "WO HEN SHI NI LE!"
Ying wei ni, wo diao le ji wan di yan lei..mei chi dou ku dao ear blocked..

Dan xian zai ren shi ni le..ai guo ni..
Wu lun duo mo hen ni..
Wo hai shi ai duo guo hen..
Dan ni shang wo hao shen hao shen..

I dunno when will be my last cry for him.
Always thought everytime i cry will be the last time but I would not b able to control myself when it is weekend..
Is the time I will miss him most..
If not something sure happened that will trigger my tear gland..

Keep telling myself not to cry.
Forget the pain.
Forget everything.
But my heart is so hurt that it is dead..cant do everything i want..
You Li Wu Xin..Got motive no drive..

I feeling like this..
Is myself. I said so much coz I hate myself for moving on so slowly..
Blaming him is juz me pushing the blame to others..
Is a form of venting out anger..

I will remember what PY told me..
"This is something that everyone will go thru..u want him back, but in this world how many people will get what they want? Not many...we say so much..can move on or nt is still depend on urself.."

And of coz a lot more others who tried to talk to me..
Some even tried to make me laugh, divert my attention like tell me got xiaozhu on tv, look at edison..n blah..
Ma chiam my temporary lovers..
hehheheheee!

Still trying.
But got much much better le..
But scared.

Kura Princess ^_^